Dog
Humor & Quotes
From Tom Antion & Associates
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The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Do Not Use Computers...Courtesy of www.TopFive.com
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon is very frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www . pethouse.com instead
of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Do Not Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.*
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take
him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
-- Steve Bluestone
My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other
replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say,
"Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."
- Morey Amsterdam
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
--Lewis Grizzard
There are three faithful friends--an old wife, an old dog and ready money.
--Ben Franklin.
The other day I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One of them says to the
other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets!"
--Dave Starr
They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that. How many of your friends
have you neutered?
--Larry Reeb
I went to an exclusive kennel club. It was very exclusive. There was a sign out front:
"No Dogs Allowed."
--Phil Foster
He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.
--Ben Franklin
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is
the principal difference between a dog and a man.
--Mark Twain
I have a great dog. She's half Lab, half pit bull. A good combination. Sure, she might
bite off my leg, but she'll bring it back to me.
--Jimi Celeste
Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat you like
dogs.
--Martha Scott
Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
--Josh Billings
When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand
there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
--Erma Bombeck
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls ...
--Phillis Diller
I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
--Wendy Liebman
My advice to any diplomat who wants to have good press is to have two or three kids and
a dog.
--Carl Rowan
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp?
You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a
fur-covered kidney that barks.
--Phillis Diller
They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a
good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!
--David Letterman
I bought my grandmother a Seeing Eye dog. But he's a little sadistic. He does
impressions of cars screeching to a halt.
--Larry Amoros
I like driving around with my two dogs, especially on the freeways. I make them wear
little hats so I can use the car-pool lanes.
--Monica Piper
It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said,
"Welcome to Ferguson. Beware of the Dog." The all-night drugstore closed at
noon.
--Jackie Vernon
A man bitten by a dog, whether the animal is mad or not, is apt to get mad himself.
--George D. Prentice 1802-1870 American Journalist & Humorist.
Keep running after a dog and he will never bite you.
--Francois Rabelais 1495-1583 French Humorist.
I am sir Oracle, and when I ope my lips, let no dog bark.
--Shakespeare.
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
--Edgar Watson Houe 1853-1937 American Journalist.
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
--Aldous Huxley 1894 English Novelist.
Man is a dogs ideal of what God should be.
--Holbrook Jackson 1874 English Journalist.
The more I see of the depressing stature of people, the more I admire my dogs.
--Alphonse de Lamartine 1790-1869 French Poet.
Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you.
--Austin O’Malley 1858-1932 American Oculist.
Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.
--Alexander Pope 1688-1744 English Poet.
Man is an animal that makes bargains; no other animal does this--no dog exchanges bones
with another.
--Adam Smith 1723-1790 Scottish Politician and Economist.
When there is an old maid in the house, a watchdog is unnecessary.
--Honore de Balzac. 1799-1850 French Novelist.
A dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
--Josh Billings
The dog that will follow everbody ain’t worth a curse.
--Josh Billings.
If dogs could talk, perhaps we’d find it just as hard to get along with them as we
do people.
--Karel Capek 1890-1938 Czech Journalist.
You never realize a dog is a man’s best friend until you start betting on horses.
Dogs are lousy poker players. When the get a good hand they wag their tails.
Dumb dog. I bought a dog whistle. He won’t use it.
A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog’s tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.
Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel but not in the
kitchen.
--George Bernard Shaw 1856 British Dramatist.
The more I see of men the more I like dogs.
--Madame de Stael 1766-1817 French social leader.
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
--Mark Twain.
When a man’s dog turns against him it is time for a wife to pack her trunk and go
home to mama.
--Mark Twain.
A reasonable amount of fleas is good for a dog; it keeps him from brooding over being a
dog.
--Edward Noyes Westcott 1846-1898 American Banger & Novelist.
The man who gets bit twice by the same dog is better adapted for that kind of business
than any other.
--Josh Billings.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
--Ogden Nash
Both humans and dogs love to play well in adulthood, and individuals from both species
occasionally display evidence of having a conscience.
--John Winokur, American Writer
Oh, what is the matter with poor Puggy-Wug? Pet him and kiss him and give him a hug.
Run and fetch him a suitable drug. Wrap him up tenderly all in a rug. That is the way to
cure Puggy-Wug.
--Winston Churchill, on his daughter Mary's pet pug.
I know that dogs are pack animals, but it is difficult to imagine a pack of standard
poodles...and if there was such a thing as a pack of standard poodles, where would they
rove to? Bloomingdale's?
--Yvonne Clifford, American actress
The great pleasure of a dog is that you make a fool of yourself with him and not only
will he not scold you, he will make a fool of himself too.
--Samuel Butler
The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.
--Margot Kaufman, American writer
Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book; inside of a dog, it is very dark.
--Groucho Marx.
My little dog -- a heartbeat at my feet.
--Edith Wharton.
She had no particular breed in mind, no unusual requirements. Except the special sense
of mutual recognition that tells dog and human they have both come to the right place.
--Lloyd Alexander, American writer.
The poor dog, in life the firmest friend, "The first to welcome, foremost to
defend."
--Lord Byron, an epitaph for his dog Boatswain.
A good dog never dies he always stays he walks besides you on crisp autumn days when
frost is on the fields and winter's drawing near, his head is within our hand in his old
way.
--Mary Carolyn Davies
Children and dogs are as necessary to the welfare of the country as Wall Street and the
railroads.
--Harry S. Truman
God ... sat down for a moment when the dog was finished in order to watch it... and to
know that it was good, that nothing was lacking, that it could not have been made better.
--Rainer Maria Rilke
If a dog's prayers were answered, bones would rain from the sky.
--Old Proverb
A dog is like an eternal Peter Pan, a child who never grows old and who therefore is
always available to love and be loved.
--Aaron Katcher, American Educator and Psychiatrist
She was such a beautiful and sweet creature... and so full of tricks.
--Queen Victoria.
Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.
--Corey Ford, American writer
What kind of life a dog... acquires, I have sometimes tried to imagine by kneeling or
lying full length on the ground and looking up. The world then becomes strangely
incomplete: one sees little but legs.
--E.V. Lucas, English writer
Fifth Avenue is too expensive for anyone but dogs.
--Mel Finkelstein, Daily News
My dog can bark like a Congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary, and
play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings.
--Gerold Solomon, US Congressman
Here, Gentlemen, a dog teaches us a lesson in humanity.
--Napoleon Bonaparte
They never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and
keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation.
--Jerome K. Jerome, English humorist
Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a
quarter share in my little dog.
--Ernest Thompson Seton, American writer and naturalist.
Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.
--Mordecai Siegal, Contemporary Writer
Being patted is what it is all about.
--Roger Caras.
The Saluki... is a marvel of elegance.
--Vita Sackville-West
A naked dog for a naked lady.
--Gypsy Rose Lee
Bulldogs are adorable, with faces like toads that have been sat on.
My hounds are bred out of the Spartan kind; So flew'd, so sanded; their heads are hung
With ears that sweep away the morning dew...
--William Shakespeare, a MidsSummer Night's Dream
Some dogs live for praise they look at you as if to say "Don't throw balls... just
throw bouquets."
--Jhordis Anderson, American Painter
Sir, this is a unique dog. He does not live by tooth or fang. He respects the right of
cats to be cats although he doesn't admire them. He turns his steps rather than disturb an
earnest caterpillar. His greatest fear is that someone will point out a rabbit and suggest
that he chase it. This is a dog of peace and tranquility.
--John Steinbeck
Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit
with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing
nothing was not boring -- it was peace.
--Milan Kundera
Why is it that my heart is so touched whenever I meet a dog lost in our noisy streets?
Why do I feel such anguished pity when I see one of these creatures coming and going,
sniffing everyone, frightened, despairing of even finding its master?
--Emil Zola
They are better than human beings, because they know but do not tell.
--Emily Dickenson
In the late summer afternoon, when the teacups were cleared, and the family went
inside... the dogs who are no longer under human command, find delight in the company of
each other.
--Joe Dunnea, Irish Writer
The Airdale... an unrivaled mixture of brains, and clownish wit, the very ingredients
one looks for in a spouse.
--Chip Brown, Connoisseur Magazine
His name is not wild dog anymore, but the first friend, because he will be our friend
for always and always and always.
--Rudyard Kipling
Faithful:
With eye upraised his master’s look to scan,
The joy, the solace, and
the aid of man:
The rich man’s guardian and the poor man’s friend,
The only creature faithful to the end.
--George Crabbe.
In loving memory- Kuma the Wonderdog October 10, 1984-December 4, 1994
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