Computer Humor
From Tom Antion & Associates


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Remember the bookkeeper
Perched on the stool,
Green eye-shade tilted,
Quill for a tool?
It wasn't too fast,
But nowhere in town
Did you hear the excuse
"Our computer is down."
R.S. Sullivan


It's great because I'm now perfect. Anything that is wrong I can blame on my computer.

Experts say that soon every home will have a computer. That's great because then our personal lives can be just as screwed up as things are at the office.

The computer has revolutionized business. It used to take months to find out you were broke.

To err is human, but to really screw up requires a computer.

Go ahead and put it on the computer. At least you'll know where it is even though you can't find it again.

Kids used to forget their homework. Now they claim it's lost in the computer.

You get your kids a new computer and they bring home the same old report cards.

Computers perform complex calculations in one hundred thousandth of a second, and send out invoices ten days late.

Top Five reasons computers must be female:

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


Top 5 reasons computers must be male:

5. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on, but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter

Redneck Computerease

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don't add wood.

Monitor: Keep a close eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!)

Floppy Disk: Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.

RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.

Hard Drive: Gettin' home in mud season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season.

Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.

Screen: What you need for black fly season.

Byte: What black flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

Modem: What you did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy

Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn.

Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C'mon in!

Random Access Memory: You can't remember how much that new rifle cost when your wife asks.

__________________
The boss was informed that a virus had infected his PC. He said that made perfect sense to him since he was ill the previous week.

The computer screen read "Press F8 to continue". so the new hire pressed the F key and the 8 key.

HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions".

So you think you know what most computer acronyms really mean? . . . Think again.

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

IBM I Blame Microsoft, I Bought Macintosh

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

DEC Do Expect Cuts

CA Constant Acquisitions

OS/2 Obsolete Soon Too,

SCSI System Can't See It

DOS Defunct Operating System

BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

WWW World Wide Wait

You know your an E-mail Junkie . . . if:

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap . . . and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 14,400-baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem.    ....And you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your cat has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother. . . she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
20. You tell the cab driver you live at
" http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html ."
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support


12> "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

11> "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

10> "So -- what are you wearing?"

9> "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

8> "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."

7> "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes.
Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

6> "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife,
a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

5> "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

4> "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

3> "Hold on a second . .  . Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

2> "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."


and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...


1> "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

Viruses

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of an impending hard disk attack once if by LAN, twice if by C:>

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every componenet in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Arnold Schwarzeneger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Dan Quayle Virus #1: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle Virus #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!!

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of PC's infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error)

Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file

Adam & Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.

PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Ollie North Virus: Causes your computer to become paper shredder.

Nike Virus: Just does it.

Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Congressional Virus: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy

Star Trek Virus: Invades you system in places no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

George Bush Virus: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs . . . No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

Cleveland Indians Virus: Makes your Pentium II/233 perform like a 286/AT.

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Do Not Use Computers...

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon is very frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www . pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Do Not Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.*


 




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