Diet
Humor
From Tom Antion & Associates
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I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with
naked fat people. --Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. --Jackie Gleason
Holiday Stress Diet
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the holidays.
Breakfast:
- ½ grapefruit
- 1 slice whole wheat toast
- 8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
- 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
- 1 cup steamed spinach
- 1 cup herb tea
- 1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:
- The rest of Oreos in the package
- 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1
- jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
- 2 loaves garlic bread
- 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
- 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
- 3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
- Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
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