Tax
Humor (page 2)
From Tom Antion & Associates
FREE SUBSCRIPTION TO:
GREAT SPEAKING is the Electronic Magazine for Presentations Skills Tips,
Speaking 4 Money, Speaking Business Referrals, Speaker Marketing, Speaker Humor, Training,
and other Public Speaking related Features. Click here
for your FREE Subscription.
Need instructions on how to add this humor to your presentations? Check out our speaker educational materials section by clicking here.
Make $1050.00 or more referring Tom Antion for speaking engagements click here.
Learn how to be a great speaker and get paid for what you know click here.
Tax Humor (page 2)
If taxes climb any higher, they may go into orbit.
A man listed the government as a dependent on his income-tax return. The claim was disallowed because he wasn't contributing more than one half of his income toward its support.
There doesn't seem to be any justice. If you fill out an income-tax return correctly, you go to the poorhouse. If you don't, you go to jail.
More than two hundred years ago our forefathers declared that we should be able to tax ourselves. We have proved we could, and how!
What Americans need most is "Taxicare" to help us pay our taxes.
A tax refund is the next best thing to being shot at and missed.
Have you noticed that every time something terrible happens any place in the world, someone in Washington tries to use it as an excuse to raise taxes?
Let's be thankful we don't have to pay taxes on our debts.
A tax cut is the 'kindest cut of all.'
New taxes are like mustard plasters - easy to put on but almost impossible to remove.
Most of us have enough money to pay our taxes. What we need is something to live on!
The fellow who said "What goes up must come down" must have lived before they invented taxes and postal rates.
There's no tax on brains - the take would be too small.
With taxes what they are today, a fellow has to be unemployed to make a living.
The tax-eaters are destroying the tax-earners.
Taxes and politicians are closely related. Once we get stuck with a tax, the only thing politicians know how to do is to raise it.
Some tax refunds are slower than a helicopter over a nudist colony.
The thing raised most abundantly in the United States is taxes.
Those who think their tax dollars don't go very far should glance at the moon occasionally.
Actually we wouldn't mind Uncle Sam's tax bite - if he didn't come back for dessert.
Only two kinds of people complain about excessive taxes - men and women.
Three cases where supply exceeds demand are: taxes, trouble, and advice.
As we pay our taxes, most of us are not worried about Congress letting us down - but we
often wonder if it will ever let us up.
The trouble with today's taxes is that they keep your take-home pay from ever getting there.
Pound for pound the American taxpayer is the strongest creature on earth. For many years he has been carrying Washington and a considerable portion of the world on his shoulders.
A taxpayer recently sent the IRS twenty-five cents with a note saying he understood that he could pay his taxes by the quarter.
The trouble with our foreign policy is that the enemy nations are living beyond our means.
The only people who don't have to pass the Civil Service exams to work for the government are taxpayers.
If the folks in Washington are so disturbed about human suffering, they ought to take a look at the American taxpayer.
It has been suggested that we have a new postage stamp bearing the picture of a weeping taxpayer.
The president has the next to the hardest job in the United States. The taxpayer has the hardest.
It's a lot easier to trim the taxpayer than to trim the budget.
The elephant and the donkey were probably chosen as political party emblems because they are beasts of burden. If a new political party is started, a taxpayer might suitably be used as an emblem.
When all is said and done, it's the politicians who say it and the taxpayers who do it.
The taxpayer who thinks his money doesn't go very far should brush up on his geography.
It takes the wool of twenty sheep and the hides of ten taxpayers to clothe one United States soldier.
The American taxpayers wouldn't object to free transportation for certain government officials if they'd go where we wish they would.
A deputy income-tax collector in Washington was recently the victim of a holdup man who took all his money and stripped him to his underwear. Now he knows how we taxpayers feel.
A taxpayer resents the fact that death and taxes don't come in that order!
Trimming expenses in government operations is the last resort when the taxpayers can stand no more trimming.
Nothing has done more to stimulate the writing of fiction than the itemized deduction on the income-tax form.
The income tax, the property tax, and the sales tax are an unbeatable combination. They get you coming and going. Add the inheritance tax and they get you after you've gone.
With estate taxes what they are, the happiest mourner at a rich man's funeral is Uncle Sam.
People who grumble about taxes have one consolation - they don't have to pay on what they think they're worth.
The way taxes are now, you seldom hear any more about a girl getting married for money.
With another tax hike pants pockets will become unnecessary.
It's getting so your annual property tax is more than you paid for your home in the first place.
Regardless of who wins the election they'll raise your taxes to pay for the damage.
What about welfare for the taxpayer? He isn't faring so well these days either!
There should be a special watch for the tax payer - it wouldn't tick, just wring its hands.
A California taxpayer recently moaned, "I owe the government so much money it doesn't know whether to throw me out or recognize me as a foreign power."
Taxpayers are always hoping for a break in the levy.
The only thing easier to skin than a banana is a taxpayer.
Regardless of where a shot is fired in the world today, the American taxpayer is the one who is invariably hit.
When taxpayers go broke or crazy, or both, they are taken care of by those who haven't gone yet.
The shorter the time to April 15, the longer the face of the taxpayer.
With all the hidden taxes, what about a place where the taxpayer can hide?
A taxpayer might be referred to as a government worker with no vacations, no sick leaves, and no holidays.
It seems that almost every group of workers now has a union except taxpayers.
Flying saucers are nothing but taxpayers blowing their tops.
Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests.
Any company that manufactures a mechanical taxpayer will make a fortune in a hurry!
Taxpayers are the casualties of the War on Poverty.
It might be well to bear in mind that when Uncle Sam plays Santa Claus, it's the tax payer who holds the bag.
We should not become too enthusiastic until some statesman comes along with a scheme to make the world perfect without soaking the taxpayer.
In the near future Congress is expected to raise the legal limit on the taxpayer's patience.
We've had the New Deal and the Fair Deal. Some taxpayers are calling what we have now the Ordeal.
They say politics makes strange bedfellows, but it's the taxpayer who has the nightmare.
It seems like a lot of taxpayers are suffering from "shell-out shock."
Those income tax forms leave little to the imagination, and less to the poor taxpayer.
Nowadays many taxpayers are writing letters of protest to their congressmen and some are so hot they're steaming themselves open.
If Washington D. C. is the seat of government, then the taxpayer is the pants pocket.
Most American taxpayers gladly support their own government by paying their taxes promptly, but they resent having to support the government of several other countries.
Nothing spurs a taxpayer into filing an income-tax return like the expectation of a refund.
The American taxpayer is the unforgotten man.
This talk about a "new source of revenue"simply means tapping the same old taxpayer in a brand new place.
It's getting to where even the taxpayer's patience is being taxed.
Pity the poor taxpayer who has the whole government on his payroll.
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that becoming taxpayers won't cure.
A person doesn't realize how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it.
There was a time when you saved up for your old age; now you save up for April 15th.
Responsibility for a considerable portion of the world's troubles rests upon two people of the past. One of them invented credit; the other, taxes.
It was easier to tell the truth in George Washington's day. There were no income-tax forms to fill out.
We often wondered why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat, until he started passing it around for taxes.
It often seems like the United States is building up its enemies and flattening its taxpayers.
Advice to vacationers: Don't overtax yourself. The government will do it for you.
The two agencies now being used to redistribute wealth are taxation and offspring.
Untold wealth is the wealth which does not appear on income-tax returns.
A father in Georgia called his local IRS office to ask if he could deduct the cost of his daughter's wedding as a "total loss"?
The sneakiest two words in the English language are "plus tax."
Nowadays when you miss a day's work the government loses as much as you do.
Nothing is certain in this world except death, taxes, and teenagers.
Nowadays the world revolves on its taxes.
It's a weird world. The strong take away from the weak, the clever take away from the strong, and the government takes away from everybody.
The American people should worry less about the population explosion and more about the tax explosion.
We expect youth to be strong, courageous, and prepared to pay even more taxes than their fathers did.
This is the day of youth and they can have it. They'll age rapidly when taxpaying time starts.
=============
It takes more effort to make out the income tax form than to make the income.
** Alfred E. Neuman
It is getting harder and harder to support the government in the style to which it has become accustomed.
TWO TAX POEMS
To err is human, but this you should learn.
Do not be human on your tax return.
No longer does 1040 scare me; I fill it without sufferin.
I read the instructions, grab hold of my pen
And my aspirin, my Anacin and my Bufferin.
The IRS believes that the United States is a land of "untold" wealth.
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund ** F.J. Raymond
You have to admire the IRS. Any organization that makes that much money without advertising deserves respect.
I feel honored to pay taxes in America. The thing is I could feel just as honored at half the price. ** Arthur Godfrey
No mans property is safe while Congress is in session. ** Mark Twain
We do not seem able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business. ** Will Rogers
Income tax is the most equitable of all taxes. It gives everyone an equal chance at poverty.
April is the month the green returns to the lawn, the trees and the IRS.
The US Flag of taxes. We see "red" when we talk about taxes. We turn "white" when we calculate taxes and blue when we pay our taxes. Then we see stars when we are audited.
When your ship finally does come in how come the IRS is at the dock unloading it?
Paying your taxes goes for a good cause . . . it keeps you out of prison.
The difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector is that the taxidermist leaves the hide.
The difference between cheating the IRS and crossing the street in New York City: One is tax evasion and the other is taxi evasion.
The IRS sure knows how to take our money. You've really got to hand it to them.
The IRS is helping us with our errands this year. . . . They are taking us to the cleaners.
Motto least likely to be seen in an IRS office: "Money isnt everything."
Motto most likely to be seen in an IRS office: "Success has its price."
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. If you do, there will probably be a higher tax on it.
On April 15th you count your blessings . . . and then send them to Washington.
My kids think "damn" and "taxes" are one word.
Taxation is based on supply and demand. We supply when the government demands.
I just sent the IRS a big check. Thank goodness, I am all paid up through 1952.
Ask your IRS agent this question: "What did you do with the money I gave you last year?"
Last year there were two ways of filing your income tax. They were both wrong!
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can not get killed by a blank?
The new IRS office comes fully equipped. It even has a recovery room.
Birth control pills are deductible. . . .but only if they don't work.
Follow Me!